Yay! Let's go back to August 18, 2009. I can't walk. I cannot breathe on my own. I don't know if I'm going to live or die. I'm so drugged up I really don't understand the severity of what's taking place. Whenever I do come around I have family and friends looking down at me. Why am I in the hospital? I was just in the ocean. I remember hurting myself and not being able to move but that's OK, it's probably just a stinger or something and I will be OK in a little bit. They probably just took me to the hospital to make sure everything is cool.. I will be moving in a little while. I just need a rest. But if that's the case, why are these tubes down my throat? Why can't I talk? Why can't I feel anything below my chest? Why does my neck hurt? I don't understand the need for the IV because again, I really shouldn't be here too much longer. But wait. Why is my cousin, who lives in California, here? That's really nice of him but I don't get it. Too many questions going back and forth in my mind. Feeling pretty tired. It's a nap time. Things will probably be better when I wake up. Bring on more drugs!
If I only knew then what I know now! This marks the worst day of my life. The day that probably I, in all likelihood, walked for the last time. The last time I did a lot of things for the last time. Of course some positive things came out of it which I'm thankful for, but come on. If you're reading this and feel like I'm unappreciative or being negative, put yourself in my position. Think about everything that you love to do. Think about everything that you hate to do for that matter. I miss those things. There's no doubt that there are people in much worse situations than myself, and my heart goes out to them, but this is my blog so I'm speaking on my experiences.
I would do absolutely anything to not be disabled any longer. Anything. This does not mean I do not want Melissa and Brock in my life. That's one thing that I would keep the same. Other than that, I'd give my right arm. Literally. It's not like I use it now anyway!
For those of you who might not fully understand what this life entails and what it's been like, let me share some things.
- I have not walked in over 4 years, 48 months, 208 weeks, 1,460 days, 35,040 hours, 2,102,400 minutes or 126,144,000 seconds. Not that I'm counting.
- I receive my first helicopter ride. Unfortunately it was because I was airlifted. Not really that much fun. $13,500. Thank god for insurance.
- I've almost died twice, not including the original injury.
- If you add the time I've spent in a rehabilitation facility and the many hospitals, it's been months and months and months. I cannot even put a number on it.
- I had the original surgery to place the hardware in my neck, baclofen pump was installed, I had a cyst in the back of my neck that needed removed, a trach put in place and eventually removed, bladder stones that needed broken up, not to mention a ridiculous amount of bronchoscopies to go into my lungs and remove mucus due to pneumonia. Oh yeah, I've had that so many times I've lost track.
- Let's talk about one of the worst things. Since my accident I've not been able to go to the bathroom by myself. I'm supposed to drink lots of fluid and be cathed every 4 hours, which I don't always adhere to, but it's still a lot. Men, think about having a straw shoved into your penis six or seven times a day. Take that times a few years and I don't even want to think about the total number of times. Let's just say, it's inconvenient and it sucks! That's a pretty big understatement.
- I wake up around 7:30 AM every day. Weekends included. There have only been a handful of days in over four years that I've stayed in bed all day, excluding the hospital visits. Also the nurse turns me on my side around 4:30 AM every morning and sometimes I have trouble going back to sleep, so I will literally lay there wide awake until around 7:15 AM. Really. I just lie there. I do not want to wake up Melissa just because I cannot go to sleep. I cannot get up to go watch TV in the living room, jump on my computer so hopefully I get tired and can salvage a few more hours of sleep, grab something to eat or drink. It's just me and my thoughts for 3 hours. Sometimes it's nice but most of the time it's torture.
- I generally weighed anywhere between 180 and 190 lbs before my accident. At one point I fell to 134 lbs. It was disgusting. At first I could not physically eat so I had a feeding tube, and then I had no appetite and once I finally started eating it took me a while to put some weight on.
- I have had hundreds and hundreds of nurses and doctors. Really only a select few seem to really care about my situation, be my advocate and fight for me. The rest always seemed too busy or disinterested. I got to experience firsthand the incredibly dysfunctional Health Care System we have in this country. Also, I wish I would have a dollar for every one that has seen me naked since the accident. I would be rich! Honestly, I really don't even care anymore who sees me. I've been desensitized when it comes to that and that's a little scary. You might like your privacy but you can kiss that goodbye relatively quickly in situations like these!
- The same issues can be said for the CNAs, LPNs and RNs that have come through my doors. I've personally known many competent people in my life that hold one of these titles so this does not pertain to them. It's really a shame the quality of people that Home Health agencies are hiring. I've been lucky enough to find a few extremely amazing people but besides that, most people they send my way are train wrecks. It seems like the more important letters that fall behind their name, the worse they are! Again, this is not true for everyone. Just most of the people I've dealt with.
- Although I've not been the most dedicated to my physical and occupational therapy at times, I do absolutely love it and I feel like I've turned over a new leaf. I'm able to flex and contract muscles in my arms that I've never been able to. My last trip to Kennedy Krieger in June, they were able to detect my triceps firing. This is huge! Especially due to my level of injury. Everything has only getting stronger since that time. I attribute this to religiously riding my RT300 bike every day I possibly can. That bike cost over $20,000 and was not covered by my insurance at the time. That's why my fundraisers are so important and I'm so grateful for everything that you've done for myself and my family! It's truly a blessing. Since I've had my bike, I've logged almost 800 hours of use. Whenever I do my legs I average 7.44 miles for one hour. So far I've gone 3,843 miles! When doing my arms I average 6.96 miles for an hour and so far I've gone 1,374 miles. Collectively that's 5,217 miles. I'm pretty proud of that although really it should be higher. There just aren't enough hours in the day.
Thanks for reading!
