August 18 will mark four years since my accident. This time of year is the hardest for me. Everyone has to know that. As much as I try to not allow my disability have any more control over my life than it already does, it happens. It's really hard to keep from happening. Indescribably hard.
Obviously it has physically crippled me. What some people don't understand is, it can do the same to me mentally. In a bad way. I hate it. At the very least the one thing I should have going is a strong mind. Right? Most of the time I have that. Then there are those days. Sometimes those days turn into a week. Since I don't have a better explanation, the only way I can convey how it feels is mental torture. I'm trapped inside this body that refuses to move. I'm just a puppet more or less. My arms and legs might as well be on strings. I'm fed, dressed, sat up in bed and put into my chair to go through my mundane routine. I know life is better than that but that's what those days can feel like.
I try so hard to wear that smile everyone would like to see. I feel fake sometimes. If everyone could live this life to feel what it's like then maybe they would understand, but at the same time thank god they do not have to. As far as spinal cord injuries go, mine is pretty serious and at a high level but heaven knows it could be so much worse. I've been worse. I've heard about worse situations. I've seen those worse off. I know as far as this life goes, I'm pretty lucky. For as much as I've lost because of my disability, I've gained just as much.
I'm obsessed with music and this song just happens to describe what I'm feeling perfectly. Maybe this will do some of the talking for me.
There's a lot I want to say, especially because of my gimpiversary looming in the next few days, and I will. For now, that'll do. There will be another blog tomorrow. After all...
This is just the start.
It´s okey to feel that way!
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